i, epigram
write wide, write deep

a blog of one's own

“Lock up your libraries if you like; but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.”

Virginia Woolf, A Room of One's Own

Diary (entry) of an Exhausted Workaholic

I'm exhausted. Have you ever felt like your exhaustion is compounded on an unresolved exhaustion? That's me right there.

And I feel bad about it.

I don't know what feeling bad about being exhausted tells about me. Some of you with better insights might be able to diagnose my problem pretty quickly. For me, it's all very interesting. Being tired is a condition that is normal for human beings who occupy themselves with activities. So why am I feeling bad about it?

I come upon the realization that we demand so much from ourselves, and we feel guilty when we stop and rest. Okay, let's be honest. I demand so much from myself, and I feel guilty when I stop and rest.

Rest. Often times, rest sounds to us (me) like a bad word. The implication is slothfulness and irresponsibility and shoddy work ethics. So we push, push, push, and push until there's nothing left to push. And then we collapse.

I was on the way to a full-blown collapse when life intervened. I'm not the kind of person who tends to over-spiritualize everything, but this is nothing short than a divine intervention. For the past couple of weeks, I've been busy with work and teaching and all sort of stuff. Last weekend, I preached three times and then led worship. On Monday, I went and did errands. On Tuesday, I was supposed to leave for Singapore for a 3-day conference and come back in time to be part of the worship team this weekend. It was crazy. But I was ready for all that - or so I thought.

On Monday, I got the news that I wasn't able to travel to Singapore because my passport was still with the Greek Embassy. It wasn't going to be done until Thursday. I got a forced staycation. I spent the first two days of that staycation in bed, sleeping. I did very minimal work - a Skype interview and some paperwork.

One thing I needed to deal with this week was my guilt. The nagging feeling that I needed to do something and work and be "productive". That I shouldn't be resting. The sleeping part was easy, getting my thoughts and guilt all sorted out was a challenge.

I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm learning that I need grace to give myself rest. Sometimes, the most difficult person to be gracious to is ourselves.

I'm definitely trying. I'll start with a vacation in 8 hours.

Ciao!

Tirza Magdiel