The Last Four Years, or 4 Big Lessons I Learned from My Time as a Teens' Pastor

To say that the year hasn’t gone the way I planned is an understatement. In a year where everyone’s been stuck at home doing nothing, my life has seriously undergone some massive changes in the last six months. Honestly, it’s a little exhausting. From a laparoscopic cholecystectomy in June to moving into my own place in August. Finally, one of the biggest and most dramatic changes I experienced this year was leaving the ministry I have been a part of since I was a teenager. October 31, 2020 was my last day as the teens’ pastor at IESTEENS.

That’s a vibe. And a half.

IES, and specifically IESTEENS, has been a home for me for as long as I knew it. When I first walked through the doors of IESTEENS at Wisma Staco in 2005, I never knew that it was going to be a huge part of my life. I’ve been so entrenched in it. My main degree was in Youth Ministry, so even before I returned to Indonesia I was very much swimming in all things Youth Ministry related, from lock-ins to youth conferences and retreats and teenage drama. Upon my arrival in Indonesia back in 2013, it was only natural for me to reimmerse myself in the place where it all started. I was the Associate Teens’ Pastor for a couple of years before I became the Teens’ Pastor in 2016. Quite literally, blood, sweat, and tears have gone into the years leading that ministry. I have no regrets. I have loved the time I spent getting to know amazing teenagers, getting to do all sorts of crazy events and games, and getting to partner with one of my closest friends.

It’s time to move forward. I’m not saying that I’m “graduating” from teens’ ministry. It was just time. I feel a little like Mary Poppins when she came and cared for the Banks children for a little while. She said, “I will stay until the wind changes.” That’s me. I came into that leadership position and stayed for a little while. I said I will stay until God moved me. I stayed… until the wind changed. For the last couple of years, I have been wrestling with God about what is next. I wasn’t restless, I just had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that a season is ending. For a while when I was asking God to tell me what’s next, his answer was just, “Wait. Stay put.” Not an answer that promotes a lot of action. (A topic for a different blog post some other time.) Even at the beginning of the year, when I asked the same question, his answer was the same. It wasn’t until three months ago that everything started moving. It was like somewhere the floodgates opened, and then it’s time.

I am not leaving because I’m dissatisfied with my job or the place that I was working at. If it was even possible, I cherished it more in the last seven or eight months: the interactions, the laughter, the serious talks, the jokes. I have loved my time there and the people I get to walk alongside. That is probably what makes leaving so emotionally taxing. I have to unentangle myself from something I have been a part of and a community that has been a part of me for a long time. My use of the word ‘unentangle’ does not, however, mean a severing in connection. It was just… time.

I was reflecting on the time I spent at IESTEENS. I rummaged through photos and posts. I have learned a lot of lessons from my time there. I probably learned so much from the teenagers I have had the honor of interacting with, it’s crazy humbling. I can’t possibly list them one by one here, because that would probably end up being a multiple-volume book series. So I decided I will share four of the biggest lessons I learned from the last four years. Please note that these are not in order of importance, and there are other big lessons I learned that did not make it on to this post. That doesn’t mean they are not important.

Lesson #1: Be in the Word

This might sound very basic, but most of the time that is the stuff we forget once things get complicated, even though they provide the fundamentals. Go back to basics. I have learned that being in God’s Word is extremely important. It’s important for everyone, but it is doubly (or even triply - is that even a word?) important for leaders to be in God’s Word.

For one, being in the Word keeps you personally intact. Being a pastor, actually being any kind of leader, will be taxing. It requires a lot of wisdom, a lot of self-control, a lot of sacrifices, and a lot of hope. We deal with people all the time, and people are messy. Well. We are messy! People can, and will, disappoint us. They’ll hurt us. And they’ll leave us in an overnighter full of teenagers with very little help. We need to be anchored in God’s Word so that we respond well in these situations. And so that we stay sane. The Word gives us stability when everything else flew off in some storm.

Also, when you are in the Word, it’s easier to lead others to be in the Word. A bunch of people in your community who are serious about their relationship with God and serious about being in the Word will drastically change everything. Especially in a time in my leadership where there was a lot of unknown, talking and leading the teens to be anchored in the Word is gold!

Lesson #2: You don’t have to do everything on your own

For an overachiever and a control freak, this lesson is a hard one to learn. Also, if I am completely honest, there is a lot of pride involved in wanting to do something by myself. That was something God needed to really work on in me. (And you better be sure he’s still working on me!)

There was a point in my ministry where I was the only paid staff in the teens’ department. We also just gave up a huge chunk of our building area and settled into a very cozy little black box. With a lot of the move, a lot of the adult leaders also decided to do other things. Which make sense. Our adult volunteers dwindled to a few very reliable volunteers who also have other commitments and their own lives to figure out - like a new baby and a new album or was just away in college for most of the year. There were so many things to do, so many moving parts. I was exhausted a lot trying to figure out the admin stuff and the pastoral care stuff, not to mention run two teen services every weekend. I was exhausted, and I was a hair close to burnout.

The reason why I didn’t hire someone sooner was that I didn’t want to hire someone willy nilly. (Yes, folks. I just used willy nilly in a sentence.) I wanted to make sure the person is the right fit and that he or she would work well with me. I wanted to make sure that it’s the right time. After two years of leading by myself (ok, with the very few dependable volunteers and good friends who will help me out when I ask them), I hired an assistant.

It was also an adjustment, having an assistant. I had to actually communicate the thoughts in my mind. (What, Tirza? Your assistant can’t read your mind? Uhh. No. Also, that would be creepy. I always find the concept of mind-reading highly intrusive.) It required yet another big dose of humility to have to learn someone’s personality and working style and adjust.

I’m glad, though, that I hired my assistant when I did. Not long after that, our church decided to move out of the old building while we were preparing for a new church building. Can you imagine the amount of inventory and work needed to move everything? It’s a beast trying to figure out what we wanted to store and what we wanted to discard. I couldn’t have imagined how I would be able to do all that by myself. Honestly, my assistant did most of the work. Thank you, Mat!

I ended my time as the teens’ pastor with a pretty solid team. This summer, I felt like we had the dream team: one of my closest friends is on the team officially as one of the pastors, my assistant, two highly talented interns, and a team of pretty top-notch adult leaders. It was the dream. Stepping away, I knew this experience has changed me: the freedom that comes with the knowledge that I don’t have to do everything on my own.

Lesson #3: When you need help, ask for help.

I think this one was another pride thing. Either that, or it was the idea that pastors and leaders should be perfect. Yes, it’s silly to read those words. It’s even more silly to be typing those words. Subconsciously, though, some of us have bought into the lie that as a leader you need to have it all together.

I told you about the stuff that was happening a couple of years ago with the building and everything. On a more personal level, there were close friends who hurt me badly and a person who made my life a bit hellish. I got to the point where I went into my pastor’s office and told him that I need help. I need counseling. Something!

Two years ago in October, I started going to counseling. (Shout out to Sarah. She’s the best!) For the longest time, I thought that getting help was for other people. Not me. I would refer teens and people to counselors, but I thought that wasn’t for me. There’s this lie going around that if we are pastors or leaders, our relationship with God should carry us through everything and we don’t need “extra” help. If you don’t know this, I’m now a huge proponent that all pastors should go to counseling. We go through very emotionally taxing things in our ministry and in our personal lives. We need good and solid support! Ask for help. Develop healthy ways to cope. Process through events and feelings well. Collect tools to help you go through the storms.

I also had to ask for help from my friends. When I’m going through things, I have learned that I need to reach out to the people who love me. I need to give them a chance to love me. When I don’t know how to pray, I have learned to not just crumple into my own corner and try to be strong by myself. I can reach out to a friend and just say, “Can you pray for me? I don’t know how to pray for myself.”

Reach out and ask for help. Somehow a Harry Potter quote came to mind: “Help will always be given… to those who ask for it.” Don’t hesitate to ask.

Lesson #4: When the job is done, walk away.

I used to be an avid NCIS fan. I followed that TV show religiously. I even listed out all of Gibbs’ rules. When I left my job in the US, in a department I’ve worked in for seven years, I wrote Gibbs’ eleventh rule on my quote board on my last day of work.

It’s sometimes difficult to let go of something that is already like your baby. To leave it to someone else to do and lead as God leads them to do is super difficult. What if they don’t do things the way you do things?

Walk away. Pray for them, love them, be their cheerleader. But walk away. Walk away from all the WhatsApp group chats. Walk away from the fear of missing out. And that’s hard. I think for me, one of the things I had to learn was that it’s God’s ministry. Not mine. If I get the fear of missing out take over me, I won’t be focusing on what’s ahead. I seriously don’t know what lies ahead, and it might be easier to control the things that seem familiar to me. But what kind of adventure would it be, right? Finish your time well and then walk away.

So friends. New season. You’ll probably hear more from me now. Or let’s hope.