Sunday Scribblings: The Passenger Life

"I don't want to be a passenger in my own life." (Diane Ackerman)

I have mixed feelings about living the passenger life. For someone who is comfortable with control - ok, if I’m being completely honest, I’m more of a control freak than “control comfortable” - I relish knowing that I influence the direction of my life. My friends and family will probably testify to this in a court of law.

I’m trying to pinpoint just exactly how I feel about this. One of the main reasons why I drive and why I don’t have a driver is because I want the freedom of going wherever I want to go without having to think about someone else waiting for me. Or without having to wait for someone else. (If you are reading this and making judgments on how posh I might be about the whole driver situation, I understand. I just beg you to look into the life and times of people in Indonesia. Things are a tad different here.)

I want to have the freedom to do things, life, at my pace. I don’t want to depend on someone else for where I’m going just as much as I don’t want to inconvenience others with my… travels, and most of all, my baggage. Is that selfish? Maybe a little. But in a way, I want to own my life. I want to own my decisions. If life - things - were to happen to me, I want to know that I chose that option. That it wasn’t chosen for me. That it was my call.

So to answer simply, I do agree with Diane’s sentiments. This control freak does not want to be a passenger in my own life.

I’m sure God’s laughing right now. Because that’s not true. We all know that. We cannot fully be the driver of our own lives. There are things that we can’t control. Life isn’t something we can control! I haven’t lived as long as some, but I’ve lived enough days to know that I can’t control some of the things that happen to me. Sometimes, others make choices that affected me. And the course of my life changed as a result. So what are we, passengers in individualized vehicles driven by God? Fate? A cosmic game of Russian roulette? I don’t know where you’re at in your life philosophy, so I included some options here.

One of the most humbling realizations in life is that there are other factors that influence our lives. Or that we do have influence and control, but not all-encompassing. We are, in our humanity, limited. Maybe, just maybe, we are the drivers of our own lives, but the roads, with their slickness and potholes and construction work and detours, are not controlled by the drivers. Also, I’m realizing that maybe this vehicular metaphor is breaking down as quickly as a lemon.

Sometimes it’s hard to come to terms with the complexity of how this journey goes. Sometimes it doesn’t feel fair. But, friends, this life - with its messy arguments about who gets to choose the road trip music and pitstops in questionable gas stations - is worth the adventure. Even if just for the views. We’ll get to the destination when we get there.