It's Not You, It's Me.

Here we are, the fifth and final part of “My DTR with the Church” series. Wow. It’s been enlightening, cathartic, and interesting. But it’s honest. Thanks for journeying with me through this past month or so. As usual, if anything I write resonates with you, please leave a comment. I’d love to chat!


Disney movies seem to always involve some sort of adventure. The kind that has the main character leave their known world to go out on a mission. The mission would always be about finding out who they are meant to be. I have a little confession to make. The other day, I rewatched "Frozen II." Yes, I have a soft spot for Disney movies. It doesn't take much for me to have Disney songs stuck in my head. I have been singing "Into the Unknown" like a madwoman in the last week or so. Fortunately, only my poor car witnessed the screeches coming out of my mouth.

A typical Disney main character always embarks on this adventure, pushing the limits of their comfort zones to _______ (insert mission parameters here). And, in the end, they found themselves, they saved their people, they brought honor to their families. The possibilities are endless. It required the first step of moving out of their comfort zones and into an adventure. "Into the unknown," one can say.

I had an epiphany about myself, and for the first time ever, I disclosed this to my best friend. And I guess now I'm declaring this to the world. While for others, full-time church ministry is a giant leap of faith, for me, the vast world beyond the four walls of a church is my unknown. If you've perused some of my writings over the past month, you'll know that I was raised by two pastors, and I lived at their church for a combined total of twenty-four years. Church environments, church communities, and even church politics, while complicated, are semblances of home for me. It's... safe. Being a pastor is my comfort zone. I've seen my parents pastor. I've seen my grandfather pastor. For others, making the decision to leave a steady 9-to-5 job at a corporation to go into full-time church ministry is a leap of faith into the unknown. For me, the thought of leaving the traditional church ministerial vocation to pursue something else is a terrifying leap.

And I am taking that leap.

As of the first of this new year, I am no longer a pastor at the church plant I have been employed at since November 2021. While this is a massive decision for me, as outlined in my spiel about adventures in the previous paragraphs, I feel at peace about the decision. I'm not writing this post to dissect or debrief the things that went wrong or right about my time there. I want to talk about the idea of ministry and "calling" instead.

It's easy for people to assume that the penultimate peak of Christian service is a full-time vocational ministry at a local church as a pastor. The only thing that can possibly trump that is becoming a missionary and bringing the gospel to the most remote parts of the world.

I felt like being a tad facetious, so I decided to look up the meaning of "minister" in the English dictionary. According to Merriam-Webster, there are two definitions for the word. The first meaning is "to function as a minister of religion." (Duh.) The second meaning is more general: "to give aid or service." So I looked up the word "service" next. The first meaning is "employment as a servant." (Shit. I live in a country where servanthood is an actual occupation and, depending on the employers, can be a very demeaning occupation.) The second meaning, though, is a lot more universal in its application: "help, use, benefit; contribution to the welfare of others."

OK. Now that we're done with the short vocabulary lesson, let's talk. I've always been entranced by the idea of a life of service. I've read biographies of people and even looked in the Bible to see different people living this "life of service." I realized they're not all pastors, prophets, and teachers. Some of them are kings and higher-ups in the Roman government. Others are carpenters. Others are mothers and wives. In modern times, these people are educators and business people. Mathematicians and physicists. Senators and activists. Using the talents and skills they possess to contribute to the welfare of others. I believe pastors and teachers in the church do accomplish all that, but what makes one vocation better than others? Why would being a pastor at a church be more sacred than being the hospice nurse sitting by the bedside of someone going through deep pain? Why would working as a worship leader at a church be a holier vocation than working as an accountant, deeply committed to financial health and wholeness? Why would the Bible talk about workplace interactions if a life of service is supposed to lead everyone to vocational pastoral ministry? It doesn’t!

"Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a bondservant or is free. Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him."

Ephesians 6:5-9 (ESV)

"Render service with a good will." I feel like that will be my mantra for a little while. Focus on whole-hearted service as to the Lord, instead of focusing on pleasing people we can never wholly please anyways. I like that.

The other word thrown around in the Christian community is "calling." I have a friend who thought that if I step back from being a pastor, I am "turning my back on the call of God in my life." (Oh wow. Chill, dude. Who made you God?) I understand that this is a topic of discussion amongst Christians worldwide. Phrases like "being called to ministry" or "receiving the call" and "feeling called to do this" gets thrown around a lot.

So I went back to the Bible to see how things are dealt with there.

There are many different ideas of calls in the Bible, but the foundational one is that all people are called to know God. That's it. The rest look very different for different people and at different times. Specific people were called to be pastors, teachers, and priests. People like Aaron, and pretty much everyone descended from Aaron, worked at the temple. Paul had a terrifyingly momentous call-moment. The twelve were called directly by Jesus. (That was special.) However, God called others not to "do ministry," but to accomplish other things. Some were musicians and craftspeople. Some were called to be kings. Judges in the Old Testament are political positions. Some, like Mary and Elizabeth, are called to be mothers. Again, why would one calling be more sacred than another? As if there are hierarchies present.

Also, I've found out that sometimes God calls people for a specific event or season in their life. I would say Noah's call was for one particular occasion: the flood. Simon of Cyrene? For one moment, he carried Jesus' cross. Joseph of Arimathea assumed responsibility for Jesus' burial. Rahab's one moment was hiding the spies in Jericho. Boaz didn't even have one momentous event. He was just being himself and caring for people! Do you get what I'm trying to say? I feel like it's a bit like Mary Poppins. I don't know; that idea just popped in my head. She came and stayed for a while, accomplished what she needed to accomplish, and then left. To explain it in her words: "I shall stay until the wind changes." (A fascinating thought: the Bible talks about God's Spirit as like a wind. Hmm. Not a bad quote to hang on to, this Mary Poppins thing.)

Why do Christians get preoccupied with finding that one call on their lives, and they think it needs to be this colossal world-changing crowd-inspiring thing? And, after finding that one thing, that's what they're going to spend the rest of their lives doing. I realized after a decade of full-time church ministry, I am compelled to go in a different direction. I’m still a Jesus person. I want to make an impact in the community of believers. I’m not boycotting churches. But I am letting go of the name tag that says: pastor (with all the addendums that come with being employed as one). I’m walking away from the comfort of being on staff at a church.

One of my favorite authors, Frederick Buechner, wrote this in his unique book, Wishful Thinking:

"The place to which God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

I love this quote (and the book), and it makes me want to question our rigid ideas of service and calling. What if I tell you that life comes in seasons, and all seasons are sacred? What if I tell you that the things right in front of you today are what you're called to do at this moment? What if I tell you that ending a season of vocational ministry at a church is the holiest thing I can do right now? What if I tell you that charging into the unknown outside the four walls of pastoral vocation is the most faith-filled calling-following godly thing I can do today?

So this is it. Maybe a different season will look different. But for now? I'm stepping out into the unknown.

 

Dear full-time vocational ministry,

Thank you for the lessons and the memories. It's been a tremendous and fulfilling eleven years together, but it's time for us to part. It's not you, it’s me. It’s time for me to move on.

All will be well.

 

P.S., Some of you might be wondering what I'm going to do next. Well, I do like stories and suspense, so you'll just have to wait. ;)

Tirza Magdiel