The Rules of the Game
Today was a challenging day in the life of this minister. Sometimes I ask myself how I ended up here. People get worried when I start talking like that. As if, somehow, I am questioning God’s will for my life. Like somehow their pastors have to be 100% convinced of their calling.
I cringe a little while typing this, but I have in this business (youth ministry) for about eleven years. My first foray into teens ministry was actually a summer internship at the church I now work at back in 2008. I know, I know. I’m not getting any younger. I have earned the over-a-decade badge on this ministry, not that it’s a physical badge. And trust me, the things we face in youth ministry - or any ministry, really - will often make us question the whys and hows of our journey thus far. It doesn’t, however, mean that we loathe this endeavor.
It’s just challenging. A professor of mine once told my class of would-be ministers that people are messy. I say that now. All the time. Because it’s true. People are messy. Ministering to people is challenging. Ministering to teens? Practically insurmountable.
I don’t claim to be an expert in youth ministry. Let’s be honest, it’s an ever-changing world. I don’t think anyone could be an expert in ministering to teenagers. Anyone who claims to be is nothing short of delusional. (OK. I might be being a tad dramatic. Please excuse the Shakespearean flair.) As I said earlier, I don’t claim to be an expert in this. But I’ve had my share of hiccups and stumbles. Things that have sometimes left me a little bruised, but things I’ve learned from.
I am usually one to break rules or, at least, bend it. But I realized that I’ve developed a few “rules” in doing teens ministry this past decade or so. I started with one rule that morphed into two. Today, I’m sharing my five rules of youth ministry with you all. I hope it helps those of you who volunteer at youth groups, those who want to be a youth pastor or work with youths, or even for parents. (Because let’s not get started on how challenging parenting teens would be!)
I haven’t included relevant Bible references below, but if you’d like, I have them. Just ask!
My 5 Rules of Youth Ministry
Rule #1: Be the adult
I’d probably say that this rule is the first to take form in my ministry life and the one that has been persistently there in the back of my mind. What prompted this? Well, the world of the teenagers is an enticingly cool place. They have their own unique and magnetic culture - language, expressions, style. It’s one that incites equal amounts of awe and fear into the hearts of adults. There is a part of us that wants to be one of the cool kids. To be their friend. Or at least be one of those adults who cool kids adore.
But that role isn’t sustainable. There are three implications to this rule:
// We can’t be their friend and an authority figure at the same time.
They already have friends. Friends that are of the same age. No matter how hard we try, we won’t be their friend. And we shouldn’t want to. That sounds harsh, I know. (You know that we can have adult friends? And they’re pretty cool too!) When God entrust young(er) people into our lives, we are placed in a position of authority - moral authority and spiritual authority. There are times when we will have to do the difficult thing and speak truth into their situations. There will be times when we will need to call them out for the less-than-wise decisions they are indulging themselves in. There will be times when we will have to bench them from ministry because they need to get right with God.
Sometimes, they’ll take it well. Other times, they will storm off, rant about us on social media, call us names, and tell us they hate us.
Which brings me to my next implication…
// Don’t take things personally. And don’t get offended and lash out when they hurt us.
Because they will hurt us. Maybe not physically, but definitely with words and cold shoulders and back-stabbing rumors and passive aggressive posts on social media. And at that point, we have two ways to respond, the first is letting a teenager’s actions offend us and then lash out, and the second is dealing with our feelings like emotionally healthy adults and address the root issue. I’d highly recommend the latter.
We’re humans. We have feelings. But we shouldn’t lash out on these teens because we got our feelings hurt. Or worse. I have seen an adult volunteer I worked with once gave a teenager the silent treatment and simply refused to work with the teen because the teen had said something hurtful to her.
My recommendation: deal with our feelings personally (in private and away from the teen) and then address the root issue. Is it an attitude problem? A spiritual problem? A manner problem? When we’re calm, we should deal with it and let the situation become a catalyst for growth for the teen.
// We’re the ones to communicate and maintain boundaries.
Teens will continue to push us to the limit. If boundaries are in place, they will try bust through them. If there are no boundaries, they will run wild. The teens aren’t going to enforce or even agree to the boundaries that we all actually need.
Boundaries aren’t just about what teens should and shouldn’t do. It’s not just the healthy boundaries that comes from living in right relationship with God and others. Boundaries also aren’t just about the ethical interaction between adult leaders with their “sheep”, especially with teens being minors. That is an important boundary to have, by the way. Crucial.
I’d like to include the idea of communicating and maintaining our personal boundaries into the mix. There are times when we need to say no to things, times when we need to take a break for our own spiritual and mental and emotional health, times when we need to be 100% present for our families. Times when we’re not on “ministry mode” or “pastor mode” or “counselor mode” or “crisis hotline mode”.
Honestly, this is one thing I’m still working on. I want to be there for the teens and listen to their problems and listen to their drama. (Some of them are juicier than reality TV shows!) But I also have realized that it’s easy for us to get sucked in to the drama. Even more dangerous, it’s easy for us to begin to think that they need us to deal with the crises that comes their way. And taken to extremes, we can be tempted to feel like we bring them their salvation and their comfort and their peace of mind. No, friends! We are not God. Part of us communicating and maintaining our personal boundaries help teens create and maintain theirs. It teaches them the idea of Sabbath, not just about pausing from work, but also to acknowledge that God is in control and to rely only on him. Often, when we enforce our boundaries - that they can’t call us to weep and vent at 2AM on a Sunday evening - it helps point them to Jesus.
Easier said than done, I know. Try, friends! Accept the challenge!
Rule #2: Be Real
Teens are like predators. (Still with the drama.) They can smell fake from a mile away, and they won’t want nothing to do with you then.
Teenagers don’t need us to pretend like we have it all together. Because we don’t. Being willing to be vulnerable is key. I’m not talking about unwisely sharing too much information to the point of having teenagers try to solve our problems for us (please see Rule #1). Please understand that there are things that teens don’t need to see us go through as we go through them. But, having had gone through difficult struggles and life stuff, we should be willing to be real.
This is particularly important when we mess up. Because we will mess up. We’ll make mistakes, and we’ll get to the point where we will need to apologize to teens. Let me tell you. Apologizing to teenagers can possibly be one of the most challenging and humbling experiences. We have to come up to them and admit that we don’t have it all together and we have to ask them for forgiveness. Oof! But it’s important for us to do, because that’s one of the ways they see Christ in us. Humility. Christianity isn’t a belief based on how perfect we can be; it’s a faith that is based on the fact that we have all fallen short of the standards of a perfect God but for some reason he extends his grace to us. And to be real in our faith means owning up to our fallibility.
Being real also speaks to the way we live our faith. Are we living out what we preach? Are we growing in our knowledge of God? Are we falling in love with God’s Word? When was the last time God spoke to us personally? Being real also involves being real in our faith journey. Be bold enough to evaluate our own lives and ask God to point out the things we need to work on.
Real is always way better than fake. Fake leaders produce fake followers. Let’s just not.
Rule #3: Be respectful of them (yes, you read right.)
We, as the adults that we are, need to respect the teens. It’s easy sometimes for us to fall into the trap of thinking that we’re big and they’re not, we’re smart and they’re not, we’re right and they’re wrong. OK. Again, I am exaggerating here. What I’m trying to get at, though, is the fact that it is crucial for us to respect the teenagers we’ve been entrusted with. We need to respect:
that they are created in the image of God and are as much image-bearers as we are.
that they have been given gifts and talents, and sometimes they’re better at things than we are.
that they are able to wield the Word of God correctly.
that they are created with intelligence and the ability to love God with their minds. Therefore, we shall not dumbeth things downeth. Teenagers are more than capable of digesting the truth of God’s Word. (Do you know some of the crazy stuff they have to learn and chew on at school?!?!)
that God can speak through them - sometimes even to convict us.
Oh snap.
Rule #4: Be an example
This one is pretty straightforward. Teenagers are like sponges. They absorb everything. They remember what we say and how we say it. They remember our mannerisms and what we do. They remember our tone of voice and what we respond to.
And then (here comes the scary part)… and then they imitate us.
Paul, in his letter to the Corinthian church, told the people there, “Imitate me as I imitate God!” Sometimes it’s a scary thought to tell someone to do as we do. And let me tell you. Teens will imitate us - the good stuff and the bad.
So be intentional in setting an example in every part of our lives. From the way we lead, the way we worship, the way we talk to people, the way we handle conflict, the way we ask for forgiveness, the way we handle criticism. Be someone the teens can follow.
Rule #5: Be there
We’ve come to the last one. One of the things I have learned in my time in youth ministry is the fact that teenagers want to be known and they want to be loved. They want to have someone show them that they are worth that person’s time and energy. And we get to communicate that message by being present. Being there consistently for them - when they like us and when they say they hate us. (But at the same time, keep in mind Rule #1 where we need to figure out our personal boundaries and maintain our spiritual health!) Being 100% present with them when we are hanging out with them. Being consistent in encouraging them and praying for them.
And even when they mess up, being there means that we don’t ever give up on them. Not even one bit.
So… I don’t know if these are any good or not. But I hope it helps us think about things. I hope it helps us intentionally love the people God has entrusted to us. And I hope we can have fun in the process!
Love always,
T.